Monday, November 30, 2009

"There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

So, here it is. Post #1 of what I hope to be many. Alex already started this thing off and gave you the basics of it all, which is: We're moving to LA exactly 91 days from today. We are homeless in exactly 62 days. And we will both be unemployed in roughly the same amount of time.

Here's where my posts and Alex's posts will largely differ: Yes, I write much more grammatically correct (English minor and all), but I am a planner and a worrier whereas Alex is much more a fly by the seat of your pants type guy. I panic because I can't plan this out bit by bit and Alex sits back and tells me I worry too much. That type, my posts are much more likely to be devoted to money woes and whatever other worry I have at the moment and his are much more likely to be about the dream and excitement of it all. He's the dreamer...I'm the details. I guess that's why we work.

My decision to make the move came much harder than Alex's. I remember sitting at Brio that night when he said "Let's move to LA" and being a little taken aback by it. Then I got really, really excited and wanted to move immediately. Then time went on and I became incredibly scared and unsure. LA didn't feel like the right fit and the timing itself didn't feel right. And it wasn't right. I'm a big believe in signs and what's meant to be working out the way it's supposed to and sure enough, that summer I had a big blow financially that threw out any chance of moving when we had originally planned. So, we pushed back the date a bit and then the economy fell apart. So we pushed it back even longer. And then we sort of just started making excuses...his grandparents 60th wedding 30th grandmother's 80th mom's 60th birthday. So we tentatively, once again, set the date for Spring 2010.

Then...the bottom fell out. Alex found out 4 days before leaving for vacation in LA that he was being laid off on January 15. 4 days before we left for LA? Coincidence? I think not. Suddenly this was the swift kick in the ass that we had needed and it caused us to look at our trip to LA differently. It was no longer just a vacation to celebrate my 30th became a "let's feel this out and see where we want to live" trip. It also made it feel a little more we could actually do this. Like we ARE actually going to do this.

We spent a week in LA and came home thinking we'd move sometime in April. Then the realization hit that Alex will be unemployed and having to live on our savings (aka moving money) because there's no point in getting another full time job when you're only staying for 3 months and my salary can't pay all the bills. Oh but it looks like I might not have a job much longer either. Some things were happening at my office which led me to believe that I was going to be laid off as well, possibly before Alex. Luckily now it looks like I'll hang on at least through the end of the year, but it felt like God didn't think one swift kick in the ass was enough. No, no...we needed two.

That brings us to the present. Now we're dealing with how we're moving and how we're going to find a place to live and how we're going to find jobs and most importantly, how we're going to pay for all this and still be able to survive. Remember how I said I'm a worrier? Well this is how I spend my days now...stressing over the what's and when's and how's. It's funny though because when I was 20 I packed up all my crap in my car and moved to Orlando where I knew a total of 3 people and had $1,500 in the bank and no job and suvived for 2 months that way...and I was completely fearless and didn't look back. Here it is 10 years later and all I do is fear the unknown and the uncontrollable. Does age do that to you? Why do you find it harder to take risks the older you get? Maybe this explains why many people live miserably most of their lives...just too scared to take risks after you've gotten comfortable.

This brings me back to the title of this post, which happens to be a quote from Anais Nin: "There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." As scary as uprooting your entire life is, you never want to look back at your life and regret not having tried. Whatever the least we can say we tried. That's alot more than most.


  1. Wishin you n00bz the best of luck. Stoked to follow y'all on here.

  2. Being an artist
    means, not reckoning and counting,
    but ripening like the tree

    which does not force its sap
    and stands confident
    in the storms of spring

    without the fear that after them
    may come no summer."

    Rainer Maria Rilke

    be fearless, it'll happen like it should!

  3. I don't know, you're sounding a bit like a dreamer to me!!